In 2006, I graduated from university and was searching out God’s calling in my life. I had been praying over several ministries and it was there I found GFA. I applied as a Road to Reality intern and kept my heart open telling God, ‘Wherever you want me to go, I will go.” I wanted to dedicate my life to Him in whatever capacity He called me to. God had opened the door for me to be at GFA and I had peace about His leading. I dedicated my year in 2007 as a R2R intern. It was a very tough year where I had to learn submission like I’ve never learned before. My housemates and our house leader struggled often as we tried to reconcile what having some independence looked like. DC often reminded us in our intern meetings that we were only dedicating 1 year of ministry for Him to use us and be shaped by Him. Eventually, we learned to just swallow things and remind each other, “It’s just for a year.” Our first 6 weeks were non-stop going in ministry activities. When it finally slowed and I felt I could catch my breath, I decided I wanted to find a temporary year home church. One of the other girls in another house warned me though that it wasn’t a good idea. She said she brought it before leadership wanting to join choir at one of the churches and was instructed by DC that it would distract us from our year calling. My housemates and I tried to find a church at first but since we often were told that GFA was our church, we didn’t attend any church regularly. This was a weird thing for me, but I just basically brushed it aside and thought, “Well, I guess for a year it’s alright.” There were other times during the year that struck me as weird. For example, when my housemates all were gone for a weekend and I was going to be home alone. I was actually excited so that I could have some downtime to myself and spend some guitar time without feeling like I would interrupt anyone. I felt sometimes ministry was so busy that I fought for that quiet time with the Lord. But, as the weekend approached, my house leader indicated that they didn’t “feel good about me being on my own.” So they had one of the staff members stay with me. I was initially really upset because I genuinely wanted to ask them, “What do you think I’m going to do? Honestly? I chose to dedicate this year…plus I don’t even have a car – and I hate driving!!” But I didn’t want to be rebellious so I just left it alone. When the year ended, I really had no desire to return. I had been encouraged by various staff along with my house leader that I had grown very much and I had demonstrated a desire to seek God in submission. I didn’t want to be pressured and so I told them that I really wanted to seek out God’s heart for me. When I returned home I really fasted and prayed for God’s direction in my life. I knew my heart was only to do the will of God whatever it was.
It was at that time that Danny P. had contacted me (which was strange for me because he was in India when I was an intern so I had no real connection with him) and had told me the Lord had put me on his heart to consider joining staff. I told him I was seeking out God and His direction in my life. I really didn’t want to join staff (I told God that) but as I continued to fast about it, I believe God showed Himself to me that I was to join the Canada office. My parents were uneasy about the whole thing and were concerned about my decision. But eventually they supported me in my decision and helped me support raise. I had raised my funds quickly and was able to move out to Stoney Creek in the fall of 2008. I was excited and had gotten to know the staff members there. My mentor invited me to live with her when I moved out. Things seemed the same except smaller than the GFA USA office that I had been in. Everyone’s heart seemed so genuine to follow God’s calling and I knew this was a gift from God. It was at that time that a new leader was also placed in the Canada office. I hadn’t honestly thought anything of it, but over time I saw the impact it had on so many in the office. Another sister, AR, had begun ministry life the same time I did and we were excited to learn, grow and do God’s work. When we had weekly clean-ups at the office, AR and I sometimes would be paired together and we share what God was teaching us as a ‘newbie’ in the office. She asked me if I wanted to have Bible studies with her more on a weekly basis and I was thrilled! I unfortunately shared this with my mentor and I think this got AR to be disciplined. I was pulled aside from Pat E. who asked me if it was true that she had asked me this and being the naive person that I am, told him the truth and how excited we were. We were still thinking of what book of the Bible to study. AR wasn’t also just thinking of me, she wanted to open it up to other sisters in the ministry. I thought it was great! To my shock though, Pat E. said to me, “That isn’t right. You have a mentor for that reason. You both started the same time and you both need to learn and grow. You should be seeking your mentor out who is more mature in faith.” I was a bit taken aback because I wondered, “She’s walked with God a lot longer it seems that I have…she’s also been alive a lot longer…what’s the harm in that?” Then the next day she came to me with tears in her eyes apologizing for her decision and that it wasn’t meant to be a ‘rebellious’ idea. I hugged her and told her I took no offense whatsoever! In fact, I was excited to hear what the Lord had been teaching her! Sadly, we eventually learned to keep our distance in the office for fear of talk that we were trying to start some kind of rebellion by wanting to do Bible Studies!
At the same time (or around then) DB and their family were leaving the ministry. When I think of it now, they were the only family in my time there, that were present for their exit gathering. Even though they were present though, it seemed strange that they didn’t share directly with the small staff where God was calling them to – Pat E. did that. He informed us that God called them to another work in the vineyard but to hug them and pray for them. Although saddened I didn’t think much more of it. I also by that time had moved to my own little apartment and with the help of those in the ministry, had begun to settle in. This was also better for my relationship between my mentor and I, as I found that she needed to have control over some of the work in the office. So it was a good breather because then I could be at home and more myself. But, I was encouraged by leadership to give her a spare key to my apartment if anything should happen to me. Again, naive me thought, ok. I never thought that she would use it without my permission. But there were a few times I was uneasy that she had a key, because sometimes she’d just come in unannounced while I was in the shower. I told her that I didn’t appreciate that and if she wanted to come over, just to let me know. As I got to know Stoney Creek a little better in my down time, my heart ached when I saw people in the downtown core suffering. I realized that I had been very shielded from a world that was really hurting. I remember one time the SB and CB shared with me that they had met people in downtown Hamilton who have never heard who Jesus was. I was so saddened by this! I thought to myself one night that Christmas was coming around the corner. Why not go out and bless people as a ministry activity. I brought the idea up to PE and he said he would think about it. He said, although it was a good idea, we didn’t want other causes to distract us. I shared with him that this could also be a team building activity for us in the office. He said he’d think about and get back to me. He never did and when I tried once more to bring it up to him, he said it wouldn’t work and to continue on in what I was called to do.
When the New Year rolled around, one of the ladies taking care of finances, I believe, had decided to also leave the ministry. I unfortunately couldn’t be present during that exit gathering as I was with family. My sister came to visit and had encouraged me to find a home church again. When she left, I decided that it was a good idea. With new resolve I thought I would get settled into a home church and start serving. Another sister and I started to attend a Bible Study together at a local church. I started to get to know some people there especially the seniors (I have a special place in my heart for seniors!). But I became hit and miss as the year wore on because I’d be attending over the weekend more functions and booths with my mentor. And when I was in town and went to a Bible study, I was again reminded that my call was special and that the churches don’t understand that calling we have on our lives (as Danny P. would often message that to me wondering what the Lord was teaching me…especially during the weekends). He often told me, “GFA is your church…and your family.” So, I became sporadic again. I wanted to serve, but I felt I couldn’t be dedicated. I began working in the office more frequently even on weekends, and kept reminding myself that my joy would come from doing God’s work even if I didn’t feel like it and felt more and more isolated.
One day, I don’t even know how it came up, but I shared with SB some things I was concerned about. We didn’t discuss too much at the office. Rather, instead, he had invited me over to chat with him and his wife about it. When I did, they openly shared their struggles with me and reminded me to be watchful and pray what the Lord may be doing in my heart. It was at that time I started to be in more contact with SB as well. She was so kind and prayerful, encouraging me to seek the Lord also in what I was going through. I began to pray and seek God’s wisdom as to what they meant. They were very cautious to share too much with me, but they were also open in telling me that my concerns shouldn’t be dismissed and I should seek out Scripture. As I continued to serve in the ministry, I began to see more red flags. SB was a good reminder to be careful of what I shared, and I began to realize that I shouldn’t be so open. As I just began to be more prayerful and watchful, it was announced at the office that someone no longer was in the ministry. I was shocked to find out SB was not present and was no longer in the office. I was deeply troubled by this and all that Pat E. said. He had indicated to all the staff that their family had some struggles and we needed to give them some breathing room. I don’t remember the full on conversation, but I remember enough that the message was clear to be very careful of our association because it can take us out from the calling God has put on our lives. We were to be soldiers going to battle and if we didn’t die to those emotions then we’d be too weak to serve in God’s kingdom (that sort of thing…obviously not verbatim). I was confused, sad and upset. SB and his family had become dear to my heart! How could I just leave them? It was then I shared with another brother in the ministry who was close to SB how he was through it all. He was enraged as well and said he wouldn’t stop having fellowship with them. So I decided, I too wasn’t going to stop either. After office hours, I’d ask to meet up with them and ask them what really happened. I guess I’m a firm believer that if there’s anything you question, go to the source to find your truth. So I went to them to find out exactly why they left and how I could be a support to them. It was then I realized DB and his family and CH were supporting them too. They all began to share their concerns with me (and for that I’m forever grateful). None of them ever told me to leave the ministry, rather they constantly encouraged me to pray and seek God’s heart. Because I knew their stories, I just couldn’t reconcile them. But then I thought, what does that mean for me? I began to really struggle being in the office. I fasted and prayed that God would show me what is really right and what is Truth. I tried to bring up to leadership that I didn’t believe it was right to obey without question, how we should be involved in churches and that since we had so many people leaving we should go and bless them somehow. My mentor began to get very concerned about me. She never said anything but immediately went to leadership. PE came to me more frequently reminding me of my call. He also told me that he didn’t like the fact that I was living in an apartment on my own and that since there was a plan to start a SOD in Canada, they were considering me to be a potential house leader. But I had to keep my eyes focused on what I was called to do.
I began to feel high anxiety not knowing what to do. I continued to meet with those who had left the ministry but it was then I also began to notice that my mentor was keeping tabs on me (at least at that time it certainly felt so). My mentor used to go to bed super early (at like 8:30pm or so) but when I continued to have fellowship with those who had left I’d stop off at the supermarket just to somehow ‘protect’ myself from being seen with ex-staff. There would be times I’d find her at the supermarket too and she’d somehow ‘bump’ into me wondering what I was picking up. Sometimes I’d be at the store even as late as 9:30pm and she’d be there with another staff member. I began to feel paranoid that she was following me. She’d question me a lot more during the day at the office about my night, what I was up to etc. So I began to strategize how I’d still have my fellowship times while not being followed. I felt so watched by people in the ministry and I felt very confused who I could trust and who I couldn’t. Danny P., SW, BW etc. would check on me regularly and I had a hard time deciphering who was genuine and who wasn’t. I just knew I didn’t want anything to get back to leadership. Eventually, it wasn’t until I tried to donate blood that the lady took my blood pressure and said it was extremely high. She indicated that I needed to go to the hospital. I checked myself in and the doctor said that my stress level was likely causing my blood pressure to spike.
I began to realize I was at a crossroads. I either had to choose to be blind to what ex-staff said and cut ties or I had to cut ties with GFA because I felt there was no other way. I was in turmoil and didn’t know what to do because I know the Lord led me to GFA. I decided to take a trip home and there I shared my concerns with my family. It was then I made up my mind that the Lord would have to call me out of the ministry. He revealed things to me that I really believe were not of Him. I visited the GFA USA office one last time, in hopes to share my concerns with staff members close to my heart.
When I returned to the office, I decided to say nothing to anyone. I begged the Lord to help me out if this was His will for me. The final exit made things really clear for me. GP had left the ministry suddenly as well, and his exit interview resembled much like SB’s. It was the same talk to be careful of our association, be a good soldier etc.
I slowly began to pack up my belongings in my desk, telling no one as I believe God was planning my escape and I needed to be ready. When I finally cleared most things, I sent in my resignation letter. I had a 2 hour long meeting with ML discussing Biblical Truths. We fought scripture with scripture and eventually I was told that I was young in faith and was leaving a calling God had placed on my life. My heart hurt so much as this was never my intention. That night, I stayed late at the office until everyone left. I cleared the remainder of things off my desk. When I looked back at the office I felt God had spoken to my heart telling me, “This is the last day you will step foot in the office.” I prayed and cried as I looked back one last time and never looked back. I felt completely lost and confused. That evening, I kept getting calls (at 10 & 11pm) wondering what was going on with me as my mentor went back to the office that night (I’m guessing to check up on me…but that’s speculation) and noticed my desk cleared. I lived in such fear and paranoia. I think because that became the GFA culture too…when they talk of dying…I really do think there is a part of you that dies. I had lived in such irrational fear for a few months especially feelings of being followed and then being disciplined (as I had witnessed many ex-staff face, that I just didn’t know how to stand up to that. Plus, I thought my mentor would come in since she had done so in the past. As ridiculous as it was…I even put a chair to my door so no one would come in! I think now at how silly I must’ve looked but at the time, I was so terrified. Thankfully, I talked to CH who reminded me they couldn’t do anything to me. She took me in the following night and I stayed with her. Eventually I flew back home and told my parents what happened. My blood pressure went back to normal while at home with my parents. In the fall of 2009, I moved back home. I still am healing from this.
It was with great sadness all this happened. I believe that no matter how great the work of the Lord is, if it isn’t done in the heart that He has, it has no meaning. God has shown me that He gave us two commandments (which sums up the law and the Prophets). Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. The second is similar, Love your neighbor as yourself. If we cannot love our neighbor, our efforts are in vain.